The Superficial - Because You're Ugly
The Superficial - Because You're Ugly
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07/03/2008 11:25 PM
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Marla Maples in a bikini = Happy 4th, America!
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Happy 4th of July, everybody!
On this most patriotic of days, I encourage you all to think about the sacrifices made by our forefathers. Sacrifices that allow a guy like me to write freely about breasts without the King of England coming into my home and teabagging me, if I recall my history lessons. So, on that note, USA!
Catch you guys on Monday.
P.S. Bring a musket.
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07/03/2008 10:25 PM
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Paris Hilton pitches the TV show from Hell
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Paris Hilton thought up a TV show that will undoubtedly make me pay random strangers to throw an axe at my face. It's basically The View but hosted by famous celebrities who will address such topics as the paparazzi, career management and, most importantly, girl talk! At last, a show that tackles battling herpes while finding the perfect purse. Never stop dreaming, folks. The Chicago Sun Times reports:
Just imagine Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, Tori Spelling -- as well as [Denise] Richards, Hilton and her former ''The Simple Life'' co-star, Nicole Richie -- together in one big two-hour special sharing ''their side'' of what it's like to be them.
That concept alone reportedly has intrigued a couple of cable channels initially contacted about the concept: Bravo and Lifetime.
In the future, historians wearing jet packs will point to this show's inception as the apex of civilization's decline. But then they'll find themselves addicted to the catty chatter ultimately dooming their own space-age utopia. Don't believe me? Just spend a good 30 seconds imagining Britney Spears' commentary on, shit, anything. If within the first 10 you don't shove your face in the oven, congratulations, you're a robot. Now fix me a drink, tinny!
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07/03/2008 08:10 PM
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Elisabetta Canalis in a bikini
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These are pics of Italian actress/model Elisabetta Canalis wearing a bikini on the set of her latest movie. You may remember her from Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, or some crazy YouTube video where her breast keeps falling out on Italian television. Somebody get this woman an Oscar. No, make that all the Oscar.
NOTE: Aforementioned NSFW video after the jump. It may be in Italian, but it speaks the international language of "Holy shit, that's a boob." Mamma mia!
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07/03/2008 07:25 PM
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Britney Spears & Adnan: Together again for the very first time?
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Britney Spears, seen here with her bodyguard, is secretly back at it with Adnan Ghalib. But this time Britney is pulling some James Bond action and using her vagina (It shoots darts.) to get back a sex tape Adnan made with her, according to the Daily Mail:
But sources claim the two haven't got back together for purely romantic reasons - Britney is apparently terrified Adnan has an explicit video of her during the couple's brief trip to Mexico in January.
'Britney's really scared that Adnan has a sex tape,' an insider tells MailOnline. 'She wants to get it out of his hands.'
I can't really envision Britney Spears as the stealth espionage type. I can just see her trying to sneak around Adnan's house, but then she knocks over the fridge and stumbles through a wall. And that's just looking for a cookie. A hidden sex tape? Jesus. Adnan might as well have banged a wrecking ball then let it loose in his living room. Not that he hasn't before, but I'm just sayin'.
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07/03/2008 07:20 PM
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Ashley Tisdale in a bikini
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These are pictures of High School Musical's Ashley Tisdale spending her birthday in Hawaii. If you have no idea who she is, please, switch lives with me. In the meantime, I guess she's hot - sort of. I dunno. Hold on, my penis just wrote me a note: "I quit." Dude! What about the memories we've had together? Like all those time I'd think inanimate objects were really a woman: The coffeemaker, the book shelf, Suzanne Somers...
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07/03/2008 07:18 PM
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'Day the Earth Stood Still' Trailer is Incredibly Keanu-y
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I've never seen Keanu so Keanu-y. In trying to take on the role of an alien, he's somehow become an exaggerated, even more lifeless version of himself, and it's very, very strange to behold. If standard Keanu was the final boss of a video game, this trailer's Keanu is like the super powerful, insanely difficult version that emerges after you beat the normal one. Keanu but more so, and all without even uttering a "whoa."
Continue Reading "'Day the Earth Stood Still' Trailer is Incredibly Keanu-y"
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07/03/2008 06:40 PM
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Megan Fox calls off engagement
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Megan Fox is single. I should just quit right now because I'll never report anything than can top this slice of awesome. (Unless Hayden Panettiere decides she hates clothes but loves bloggers.) Anyway, according to the latest issue of Star, Megan has called off her engagement to Brian Austin Green because she's too young for a commitment:
Sources claim the 22 year-old sent business associates correspondence last week telling them the sad news.
An insider says: "Megan still cares about Brian, but she now realizes she's too young to marry him."
True, Megan does have her whole life ahead of her. But I like to believe she woke up one morning, looked beside her then immediately panicked: "Where am I? Brian Austin Green!? Eww! EWW!" Brian, realizing the jig was up, tried to neutralize the situation: "Shh. Shh. You're okay. Can I interest you in a mixed drink?" When that didn't work, he frantically phoned Ian Ziering: "Dude, she's onto us. I dunno how, but we're toast. Call Priestley; have him fire up the jet. No, we're not bringing Dustin Diamond. Fuck that guy."
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07/03/2008 03:40 PM
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A-Rod's wife leaves him, shacks up with Lenny Kravitz
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Alex "A-Rod" Rodriquez and his wife Cynthia (above) are officially separated, according to NY Daily News. Coming off the heels of rumors that A-Rod is having an affair with Madonna, the New York Post is also reporting Cynthia was getting her own piece of strange. And, hey, what do you know? It's freaking Lenny Kravitz:
Cynthia Rodriguez, 34, has been in Paris for at least the past four days visiting Grammy-winner Kravitz. C-Rod was seen outside the 44-year-old Kravitz's pad in the romantic City of Light as recently as Tuesday night. Meanwhile, A-Rod has been in New York with the Bronx Bombers.
The couple's two daughters - 3-year-old Natasha and 2-month-old Ella - remained in Miami, sources said.
Aww, that's nice. While Mommy and Daddy are banging the celebrities of yesteryear, the kids are left with a nanny in Miami. Then again, if my dad abandoned us to nail someone famous, I'd probably understand. Except when he actually did, and it was Mrs. Butterworth's. We had to go on food stamps, you sweet maple homewrecker!
Thanks to Merrelyn for the pic that proves A-Rod hates his penis if he chose Madonna over that. Maybe wear a helmet in the batting cages next time, champ.
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07/03/2008 02:55 PM
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Tila Tequila's reality show finale treated as a non-scripted event
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One of the more humorous elements of my job (besides Spencer Pratt's face) is when reality shows are reported as if the shit happening on them is real. In this case, Kristy Morgan (above) who "won" this season's A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila but turned down Tila on the finale. People caught up with Kristy to find out why she chose not to date a fake bisexual. It's called a script, folks:
“I really went with what my heart said,” Morgan said. “Sometimes you date people, and then it’s not always the happy ending.”
Morgan, who is bisexual, said she was “emotionally unstable” living away from friends and family and in a house full of lesbians and straight men. “It helped me learn what type of woman I want to be, [but] I started to emotionally break down,” she said.
Meanwhile, Tila Tequila is feigning rage on her website and unleashed some angry leprechaun poetry while telling MTV where to dump the pile of cash for a third season:
Thunderfuck my mouth is shut. Been a while, feel like a cunt.
Can't wait for this drama to pass.
Oh the joy.....fuck you. My ass.
Live a lie.
Tell my mind.
Over soon. I can't deny.
You will all soon see, the truth in my eyes.
Smile on my face, the loving embrace....but instead I'll punch you in the face.
For a long time coming....I let you touch me....now that it's over bitch....You better start running.
Pent up inside....telling these lies....this has gone too far.....the world will soon die.
Only 1 more day. To feel this way. Tomorrow I smile....brings another day!
Back to myself. Nobody else. Fuck all this bullshit. I'm back to myself. Yes. Thank the fuck God.
Wow. That's quite a verbose entry for someone who has to hop from key to key.
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07/02/2008 11:10 PM
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Jessica Simpson has 'Best Celebrity Breasts'
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Jessica Simpson's breasts have been recognized as the best in Hollywood by InTouch Weekly. Surprisingly, I wasn't consulted but I'm going to let the ruling stand because, well, boobs. Here's their Top 10 list for your perusal. WARNING: It's full of WTF?:
1. Jessica Simpson
2. Tyra Banks
3. Scarlett Johansson
4. Carmen Electra
5. Lindsay Lohan
6. Katherine Heigl
7. Audrina Patridge
8. Jennifer Aniston
9. Megan Fox
10. Beyoncé Knowles
I'll let you guys debate the inclusion of some of the ladies on this list. I mean, Jennifer Aniston? We're talking about breasts here not permanent nipple hardage for Chrissakes. This is what happens, InTouch, when you leave me out of the vetting process. I bet you didn't even judge the candidates in a hot tub full of Jell-O, did you? Of course not. Dammit, does no one believe in science anymore? What a sad state of affairs. I blame video games.
NOTE:Added a photo montage of Jessica Simpson's breasts over the past year along with her video for "These Boots Are Made for Walking" after the jump. You know, the one where she washes the General Lee in a bikini in the greatest act of patriotism since the time I threw an American flag at a French Fry this morning.
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